Well. I'm sorry for a lack of good updates. You know, the spiritual ones where I share all of the profound things that God is teaching me and how my heart is being opened and stretched and broken while I'm here. You know, like last year. The thing is, this year is different. So different.

Last year, I had no idea what to expect. I was taking a huge step of faith and going very far out of my comfort zone. I was scared. I was unsure. I knew that I needed God. I couldn't rely on my own strength. So I didn't. I sought the Lord last year like I've never done before. I relied on Him, and He came through. I felt closer to Him than ever before.. The promise of when we draw near to Him, He draws near to us became TRUE in my life and I felt it.

And then I went home. And had the hardest year of my life. Every single relationship in my life changed drastically. Why? Because I changed drastically. The Lord replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh last year. And you know what? IT HURT!!!!! But He continued to teach me so much. I may have felt farther from Him than I ever have, but I also felt the comfort of His promises and I knew He was pushing me to love better, to serve better, to be a better ambassador for Him. I have known over the past year that the reason that I haven't felt as close to God was because I wasn't seeking Him. I know that no matter where I am or what my circumstances are, He is not the one who changes. I am. HE IS CONSTANT. I am not.

Even though I have learned that truth, I have not let it change how I have acted. I still did not seek Him like I should have this past year. I spent more time raising awareness to the cause and mourning over the loss of my heart (leaving it in Uganda) then I did simply resting at His feet. And then I came back. And I expected that intimacy to return. And it didn't. Why? Not because God is different this year than He was last year. Because I am. And in all my stupidity, I have not relied on Him this year like I did last year. I am now comfortable here. It feels like home. And because of that, I try to live and serve and love here out of my own strength. And it's failing. Miserably.

I think satan knows that I am trying to do these things on my own. And he is attacking me. I have been more tired, sick, exhausted, and gotten less sleep and had less patience, love, and compassion. This is because I have not been seeking my Father like I need to be. But yesterday, God gave me a reality check. IT IS MY CHOICE. I can continue to miserably serve out of my own (very little) strength, or I can rely on Him daily to renew me and provide me with His love and joy instead of my own. I am now choosing this path. (Took me long enough, huh?)

Here are some lyrics of the song that the Lord used to reveal this truth to me.

"I want to feel You now like I felt You then

Strip away my calloused heart
Set Your arrow hit Your mark
Bring me back to where love starts
Bring me back to where You are

Father I'm running Father I'm coming home
I cannot go on
Your child is running, Father I'm coming home
Back where I belong

I know You've heard this all before
When I'm down and crying on the floor
Saying I want You and nothing more

But I'm breaking in my heart tonight
I've tried to stand I've tried to fight
But I cannot see without Your light"


Listen to this song. It is the song of my heart today. (And I do hope the link is right, the internet is too slow here to let it load and make sure. Haha. If not, look up "Home" by Phil Wickham.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rnkNqn3i0I

Praises.

prayer requests:
-that satan no longer has the power to harm my body
-that I will walk in the truth
-that I will allow the Lord to use me to love and serve others
-that I will continue to seek the presence of God and be transformed by it!